Every year, while everyone is happily preparing to celebrate the holidays, a good friend of mine is wallowing in misery. This is the time of year that is most painful for her because every year she has had to wage a battle with her husband to exclude her from his family’s gatherings. Notice I only said that she wished to be excluded. She is more than happy to let him go and see his family whenever he damn well pleases- holiday or not- she just wants to be left alone.
It started before they were married. The older sister made a lot of insinuations about her child conceived out of wedlock or that somehow her husband isn’t the father because she got pregnant so quickly after marriage. Why would anyone, let alone the child’s aunt, want to point out that her own brother might not be the child’s father? How did she think my friend would feel hearing such rumors at family gatherings?
Still though, for years she would go and sit quietly as they bullied her and asked if her child (then 5) wore contacts because her eyes were such a striking color (mom and daughter have the same eyes). After each uncomfortable encounter, my friend would bring it up to her husband who just dismissed his siblings actions. He said things like, “that’s just the way they are” or “he/she is young, they don’t know any better” or “they love you in their own way.” But my friend never was able to shake the feeling that something just wasn’t right.
A few years ago, my friend finally came to the realization that the in-laws did her a favor acting so rude. She was so happy when she got married that she would finally have a nice big family filled with joy, kindness, and laughter but she was completely devastated to find it was a huge family filled with ignorance, bigotry, and sexism. Any time she tried to stand up for herself, she was called “uptight” “immature” or “too sensitive.” Finally she stopped caring about what they thought and she just started acting like herself. Removing herself from situations that didn’t align with what she wanted to do or the beliefs and values she was trying to teach her own children.
That worked well until recently. Her husband “informed” her there would be Thanksgiving dinner at his dad’s on the day of, then the clan would reunite on Saturday at their home for a second gathering. She immediately informed him that she would not be attending either which has been causing ripples in their relationship since he shared the news. He claims his siblings will apologize for their past transgressions, but they just hadn’t yet. Keep in mind these transgressions are over ten years old. She really is beyond apology now. She wants answers and closure. Why did they treat her the way they did? What gave them the right? Are they happy with how everything turned out (never being able to see their brother because he refuses to go to any family gatherings without my friend and my friend adamantly refuses to attend any)?
When I talked to my friend this week, I asked what she wished she would’ve done differently. “Set boundaries,” She said. From the very beginning, as soon as they overstepped, rather than waiting on her husband to talk to his siblings, she wished she would’ve told them off directly. At the time, she felt that it was most diplomatic to have her husband communicate her displeasure with his siblings but in retrospect, she was doing herself a disservice but not advocating for herself. She hoped by letting things go, they would eventually see how they were hurting her and stop or apologize. But that never happened. Instead, she’s now being asked to “get over it” by her husband because he misses his family and wants to see them. He is absolutely free to do so, she just won’t be there with him.
I’m so proud of my friend for finally finding the courage to say no. No matter how hard it is to hurt the one you love, it’s harder to look at yourself in the mirror day after day wishing you made a different choice. In no way is she preventing him from seeing his family, she just doesn’t feel that attending anything with them present is time well spent. After more than a decade of harassment, she just wants everyone to accept that this is the new normal.
